If you're in the mood to fly this holiday season, listen.
I had occasion to fly on Thanksgiving week… just after the new security measures went into effect. Aside from the usual joys of being stuffed into a tiny space in a huge jet after a long trip to the airport and a long wait in lines, I got the chance to experience Homeland Security firsthand. And at an ungodly hour of the morning, too. I got up at 3:30 a.m. in order to leave at 4:30 for the airport and get in line to check in by 5:00.
By 5:30 a.m. I had memorized every face and item of clothing worn by the people in the winding line before me, and could recite the pre-recorded airport warnings about never leaving your own bags unattended. I could do it in English and Spanish.
I finally got my boarding pass while a cheerful airline representative at the ticket counter emptied and searched all of my luggage. This was done in front of all the people who were behind me in line and who had been ruefully studying my face and clothing as they waited their turns. On top of this, before handing me my boarding pass, the cheerful airline attendant scraped a yellow highlight dash over it, telling me to enjoy my day. That yellow highlight, I later found out, entitled me to a free random passenger search at the last possible moment before I stepped on board the plane.
I went through the usual security clearance gate, with conveyor belt for carry-ons. But my highly metallic belt threw the alarm off. To the gate attendant, taking off the belt wasn't good enough. I was cheerfully told to stand still, spread my arms straight out to my sides, my legs at shoulder width, while a magic wand was run all over my body. It even tested my head to see if it contained metal. I was concerned about the number of fillings I had in my teeth.
I was instructed to sit and take off my shoes, which were examined. As I raised my feet on command, the magic wand scanned my souls. Thoroughly probed without ever being touched, I was cheerfully told to have a nice day.
Courtesy of my yellow highlight, I would be treated to an immediate repeat performance at the gate, but that time they took my photo ID and my boarding pass. It was deja vu, except this time I was asked unbuckle my belt and unsnap the top of my jeans while the magic wand electronically sniffed at me.
The flight was still on time. Happy flights to you! And that's it.