Butch Maxwell's Favorite Quotes

"Unforgiveness is like drinking poison, then waiting for the other person to die."

~ Catherine Butterfield

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...'Wow! What a ride!'"

- Author unknown

"Should any political party actually attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes you can do these things. Among them are...a few other Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or business man from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid."

~ Republican President Dwight D. Eisenhower, 11/8/54

"Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind."

~ Dr. Seuss

"What you are is God's gift to you; what you make of yourself is your gift to God."

~ somebody wiser than I

"God gives us only challenges we can handle, at least, until He gives us the one that kills us."

~ Butch Maxwell
Wise Guy

"When you go to war over religion, you're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."

~ Yasir Arrafat

"When I was four years old they tested my IQ. They showed a picture of three oranges and a pear. They asked me - "Which one is different? Which does not belong?- They taught me different was wrong."

~ Ani Difranco

"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, is a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and not clothed."

- Dwight D. Eisenhower, US general & Republican politician
From a speech before the American Society of Newspaper Editors, April 16, 1963

Insults

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."

- Jack E. Leonard

"Noel Coward is emerald with envy."

- John E. Reilly

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

- Winston Churchill

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

- Oscar Wilde

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

- Mark Twain

"He is a self-made man & worships his creator."

- John Bright

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."

- Winston Churchill

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

- Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"

- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

- Moses Hadas

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."

- Samuel Johnson

"He had delusions of adequacy."

- Walter Kerr

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."

- Abraham Lincoln

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

- Forrest Tucker

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

- Mae West

Pithy

"If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done."

~ Justin Tyme

"A closed mouth gathers no feet."

~ Elimeno Pi

"Instant gratification takes too long."

~ Carrie Fisher

"Wheeling: The Parking Lot Capitol of the World!"

~ Elliot Brick

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him float."

~ Billy Shears

"Misery loves company because there may be nothing more lonely than misery."

- Deborah Frazier

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

- Mark Twain

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

- Oscar Wilde

"It's always darkest before it goes pitch black."

~ E.L. Kersten, Ph.D.

"We are at one with our duality."

~ Deborah Delicious

"If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell."

- Philip Sheridan

Un-Effing-Believeable

"Smoking kills, and if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

- Anti-smoking spokesperson Brooke Shields

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"I stand by all the misstatements I have made."

-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson 8/17/89

"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes."

- President Richard Nixon

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago"

- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."

- David Dinkins, former New York City Mayor,
answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working."

~ Kenneth Starr

The Biggest Un-Effing-Believables:
George Bush's
Presidents Say the Darnest Things

Sublime

"Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people every year who are trying to find it."

~ E.L. Kersten, Ph.D.

"One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star."

- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."

~ Unknown

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off."

-Pratt & Whitney spokesperson
explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

"If 'A' equals success, then the formula is 'A = X + Y + Z.' 'X' is work. 'Y' is play. 'Z' is keep your mouth shut."

-Albert Einstein

"Quitters never win, and winners never quit, but those who never win and never quit are idiots."

- E.L. Kersten, Ph.D.

"I've got to start paying attention to myself."

- Deborah Frazier

"Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot."

~ Elimeno Pi

"Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows."

~ David T. Wolf

"The cynics are right nine times out of ten."

~ H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

"No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up."

~ Lily Tomlin

"We are what we pretend to be."

~ Kurt Vonnegut,Jr

"No single raindrop believes it is to blame for the flood."

~ E.L. Kersten, Ph.D.

"I'm lucky. I get to wake up each day and take a deep breath, smile and say, 'Thank God yesterday is over.'"

~ Ally McBeal

"A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution."

~ a famous politician

"When in doubt, send in a couple of guys with guns."

~ Mickey Spillane

"People who think they are perfect are very annoying to those of us who really are."

~ Angel

"It lived down to all of my expectations."

~ Butch Maxwell
Review of a recent theatrical performance

"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all."

~ Samuel Butler (1835-1950)

"Egotist: A person more interested in himself than in me."

~ Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

"Narcissist: Someone better looking than you are."

~ Gore Vidal

"Even my narcissism is unrequited."

~ Butch Maxwell

"That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable."

~ E.L. Kersten, Ph.D.

Shamelessly Quoting Myself

"Rainy daves and mundanes always bring me down."

~ Butch Maxwell

"I don't mind the South, but there are too many Southerners down there."

- Butch Maxwell

"I am consistent in my inconsistency."

~ Butch Maxwell

"These times are simply un-Presidented."

~ Butch Maxwell
early December, 2000

"I love opera, except for the singing."

- Butch Maxwell

Considering the fundamentalist Baptist mentality of Wal-Mart management:
"They are the Taliban of retailers."

- Butch Maxwell

"The equal and opposite reaction to gravity is, of course, comedy."

~ Butch Maxwell
American cynic

"I gave up religion for lent."

~ Butch Maxwell

And Finally...

"Anyone with a sense of humor can write humor, although history shows that it helps to be a depressive, an alcoholic or a drug addict, and preferably all three."

~ David Bouchier,
NPR Essayist and Columnist for the Sunday New York Times.

"Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult."

~ the last words of actor Edmund Gwenn (1875-1959)

"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."

~ the last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923)

"I don't feel good."

~ the last words of Luther Burbank (1849-1926)

"I hate quotations. "

~ Ralph Waldo Emmerson (1803-1882)

Last updated: May 20, 2010