Some friends of mine, ex-patriots who used to live in Wheeling, have an annual party in which they make fun of the residents of the state they abandoned for the more sophistocated setting of the snow belt near Cleveland, Ohio. Apparently, it makes them feel better about living in an area in which the main cultural advantages are burning rivers, a rust-belt economy and a summer season that lasts about three weeks by shamelessly exploiting stereotypes of a region that bear no actual resemblence to their hometown.

Not that I care.

For this year's "West Virginia Day," they are renewing their wedding vows and asked that I act as their "preacher." Of course, I am not ordianed - I don't even belong to a church. But I am sometimes an actor and a writer, so, in keeping with their theme, I have written this little exchange of vows.

I'll post photos of this after the ceremony.

Bill repeats the following after the preacher:
Now re-peat after me - Ah, Bee-ill -
Take ya'll, Doawn-nuh -
Ta be my awfully wedded wah-eef -
Ta clean up mah bee-yer ca-yns -
An' wahpe th' foam off-a mah mau-oth whi-yin Ah've ha-yad too much to drank -
Ah promise ta be good ta yer gabby friends -
Ta not git too drunk on Thursdees -
Ta per-tec' ya'll, usin' lethal force, if necessary -
If'n Ah'm not too drunk -
Ta not make ya do too much ha-yousewerk -
Ta come back every several days even when Ah'm out huntin' -
An' ta bring home a possum and a coon every once in a while for dinner.

Bill adds this unprompted:
Ya'll jus' be good to my hound dog, an' we'll git along jus' fine.

Donnah repeats this after the preacher:
Ah, Doawn-nuh -
Take mah kissin' cousin, Bee-ill -
Ta be my huz-bun -
Ta ha-yave and ta scold -
From this here day fa-yast-ferwarded -
Fer better er worser -
Fer Richard, an' poorer -

Bill asks:
Who's Richard?

Donnah's vows continued:
Ferget sickness, just health -
To loathe and to cherish -
'Til suspicious death do we part.
Ah promise not ta nag ya -
Or take the guns outa yer gun rack without asking -
To go with ya ta all them NASCAR races -
And mostly ta stay home an' rear our bunch-a toothless and shoeless childrens.
In the Lord's name, Amen.
With this here beer ta-yab, I thee we-ad.

© 2009 Butch Maxwell